Fic: It is Over

Some random study that I did while on the bus.. I can't help it if inspiration decides to hit me! And well, to set the record straight, this is a work of fiction.. It may represent my feelings in some other matter(s), but it should not be taken that literally.. Enjoy and give some feedback..;)

I tread the familiar route again; alright from the bus, go through the gate, up a slope, up some stairs, up another slope…

My school, I think, and haltingly add, but not for long.

An ocean of tumultuous thoughts engulf me. Is this right? This is my last chance to turn back. Should I go on? Or should I retreat? And with each step I take, the hesitation grows overwhelmingly strong. What am I doing this for? Who am I doing this for? No, don’t think; just enter the lift, go to the seventh floor…

This familiar place; familiar sights, familiar smells… I shall never see it again. But I still have a chance; I can always turn back… No, I must go on. Why? I do not know; just go on…

My footsteps grow heavier as I pace the office floor, waiting to be interviewed. Soon, the questions come. I smile, I shut off the distracting thoughts.

“Yes, I am sure of my decision”, I say and nod my head firmly.

But in me, my heart is hammering hard.

Why? It asks.

And the final verdict comes, “You seem sure of what you want to do; go and we wish you all the best. Should you decide to return, we welcome you with open arms.”

I leave the room numbly. Yes, I am relieved, but why? What for? A familiar face comes to fhat; a friendly conversation, but I can barely remember it. I only remember her arm pulling me close to her and that voice saying “all the best”. I wish it were someone else doing that, but it does not matter. It is over.

It is over.

Go down, I remember, third floor; settle the last of the administrative work. The last…

My heart is near its breaking point.

The door is closed, locked shut, unwelcoming and cold. As I wait, the thoughts return hauntingly. Don’t think, don’t think! It is too late, too late now…

And something salty escapes my eye.

It is over, it is over…

I look at the time. There is still a little left for final goodbyes. And the finality of it all hits me hard – there is no turning back. Perhaps I should go ahead with the farewells.

Back down the slope, up a flight of stairs, but there is no one. I gently push open the door; the very door I had pushed and walked past so often without thinking twice. I see myself in the full-length mirror. Who is that staring back at me? A lost sheep, which found its way but is still lost? I hear no answer.

A heap of lack stands in a corner; cases of memories… We used to pile them around as unobtrusively as possible, but someone would always find his way blocked by them, and this was always followed by mock arguments or apologetic smiles. And the laughter we shared, the little whispers, the feeling of togetherness, of working together towards a common goal… No, don’t think anymore; I have just forfeited my right to return to this place. It will no longer be “we”; it is now “they”.

That choking sensation forms in my throat again – no, I am merely thirsty. Something moist flows from behind my eyes – no, it’s the weather irritating my eyes.

Leave now, leave before anyone sees. I quickly shut the door. Will this be the last time? No, don’t think just leave, just leave… Leave…

Down the stairs; let me just be curious and enter another room. No familiar faces… Wait; just one, but no, don’t go over. Leave before everyone else sees. Pass the message to this someone; wish her all the best, bid her farewell, say goodbye and leave.

Don’t crack here; don’t break here, don’t let the tears fall!

Down more stairs, down the slope, back to the bust stop. Safe, for now. Safe from what? I do not know; I do not care. I am only staring ahead; there is nothing for me to see. The voices of those around me sound so distant; but what does it matter if I hear? I can no longer return to the places I once held dear and still do. It is over.

Who can understand melancholy? No, this is not sorrow; there is no cause for grief. This is merely self-pity. This is wrong; everything is wrong, everything that I have ever done is wrong! I only cause those around me more grief, more heart-break. I only hurt everyone. So, why am I here? What am I alive for? To make this world a terrible place?

But the sun will set, the moon will shine, the stars will appear, and before long, the sun will rise again, and everything will be forgotten… Just that the heart never forgets and will still grieve.